Addictions and Anxiety, a Merry Go Round

I have had an irritated bowel for 9 months brought on by an anxiety induced c-diff infection.  I got the c-diff infection from an anxiety moment in Japan when I convinced myself that I had a bladder infection.  When the first set of antibiotics did not work I asked for more.  In the end I did not have a bladder infection but irritation caused by a hot springs I went to at the beginning of the trip.  As if on cue, my c-diff infection arrived.   C-diff infections are caused by the over use of antibiotics.    My anxiety about being in a foreign country caused this problem that is now plaguing me and caused a whole new set of anxious feelings and actions.    

Now 9 months later, I must confront that I have dealt with my anxiety around my serious stomach problems and general sense of food deprivation by turning to my old addiction…spending money I do not have…using credit.   Anxiety has put me in a position where my stomach is not working well, and I have spent enough money so that I need at least three to four years to pay off my debts.  The only good news is that I pretty much have everything I could possibly need or want and I have lost 15 pounds.  However, given that spending is an addiction, having enough things or being slimmer is not a deterrent.  I must go back to the principles of the 12 step group Debtor’s Anonymous

The first step is to understand that I am powerless over random spending, the second is that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.   The third step is the hardest…make a decision to turn my will over to the care of a Higher Power.

So that where I am…wondering if I can turn my will which is full of anxiety over to a Higher Power.   A confusing moment.

In the past when I confronted this moment I usually asked my husband to pay my bills.  He obliged after I used my mental disease as an excuse, and I swore I would never do it again.  Then I would be debt free for a while. However, sooner or later the over spending pattern would start all over again.

This time I have decided that I am not going to ask for a bail out but instead set up a four year plan to pay off the debts.   I realize that I have to keep enough money back so that I can enjoy my life.  If I do not do this, in a few months I will feel deprived and revert to senseless spending.  This is just one of the many ways that Anxiety can get one into trouble.