Chaos in the Air
Chaos in the Air by GTDumas
Since I got back from my vacation in Japan I’ve been dealing with a stomach problem (that resulted from a superbug infection c-diff which I picked up in Japan. It has taken a rather long time to get over it. Given my obsession with my health, I would have expected a lot of mental torment surrounding this negative health event. However, I feel I have handled it rather well. In contrast, I just had a number of cancer appointments with the usual biopsies, nothing life-threatening. However, I’m phobic around the issue of cancer. I’ve had it three times and almost died of it. So all of a sudden I’m getting catastrophic thoughts about the my death. I have even planned the funeral. I have also become very, very angry. My thoughts float back to 37 years ago when I went through chemotherapy and how it affected my life. It is like it was yesterday. PTSD is alive and well.
Now it is time to take out my manual of what to do. First, I have to honor the fact that I am angry about the trauma of having three types of cancer. After the first cancer, I was told I was going to die at any time for about 25 years. As a result, my depression and anxiety got triggered and I’ve suffered from that for many years. Second, after my anger is acknowledged, I need to remind myself that these events happened in the past and past is over. The only real thing is the moment. My future is unknown. So it’s time to try techniques they keep me in the present. One of my favorites is to listen to audible books. Also, every morning I draw three lines on a piece of paper. The first line represents the past. The second line represents the present. The third line represents the future. I repeat to myself that the present is all that matters because it is real. As I work through this over a few days, my anger subsides and I’m feeling a bit better. However, I know I am still on the edge and must work hard to be present through meditation and practicing mindfulness. I must remember that ”my thoughts are not my friends”.