Seeing is Believing

One of the advantages of my being depressed is the fact that I am constantly monitoring my thoughts.  Daily meditation has helped me do this.  Recently, I did a big favor for someone.  My immediate reaction when they left my house was shame.  Those shameful feelings are based on my perception that I am a dangerous person to be around.

When I told my doctor about these feelings, he had me go through this exercise: you make a circle and divide it into four parts.  In one part, you put down the problem — example: I am a dangerous person to be around.   In square two, you put down in words how being dangerous makes you feel  — i.e.,  worthless, shameful.  Next, in square 3, you write down sentences to reflect those sentiments — i.e., I am dangerous, because I am no good and worthless.  At this point, all I have put into these boxes are feelings.  Are they accurate?  The final box is used to write sentences that are true about the incident that made me feel like a dangerous person.   The reality is that I had just been generous and kind.  As I do this exercise, the shame and the sense of my danger breaks up.

My new-found reality allows me see things more clearly until the next negative thought.  When I am in my clarity moment, I am able to really see my relationships for what they are.  If love is really seeing other people for who they are, it is a special moment.