Living in the Moment
For those suffering from Depression and Anxiety when the world is running relatively smoothly, these ailments can get out of control but when the world is in a international pandemic…help! Everyone in the world is feeling a normal degree of anxiety and depression. Those of us who suffer from the Depression/Anxiety disease, like myself, are wondering what are we feeling. While I am scared like everyone of the pandemic, I am more afraid of my state of mind. I am anxious about being anxious and depressed about being depressed. In other words I am making double trouble for myself.
I have been at home for a month. The first three weeks I felt numb…in shock. How could something like this happen? About a week ago I became very angry. My feelings became so intense that rather than face them I have become immobilized and can hardly get out of bed or off my couch. I am scared to acknowledge my anger towards both the virus and amount of incompetence at the governmental level, and people dying horrible deaths alone, etc…. While there is a lot to be upset about, my sole job is to get through this drama without losing my mind.
So back to the basics…first I need to get out of bed at a reasonable time. Then my first act is to mediate. I lay down on the floor and do a body scan. Once my body is relaxed I imagine love and compassion streaming through my body. Finally, I ask my Higher Power (not my Ego, I never get good advice from my Ego) what I should do that day. The answer is generally live in the moment. In the moment I am safe…I do not have the virus, I have enough to eat, there are people living with me so I am not alone. I live in an area where I can walk around and people respect distancing. While I can not physically see my grandchildren, I Face time them everyday. They are young so we play silly games and tell stories. Its good for them and good for me. The moment represents reality while my thoughts and ruminations are capable of taking me to a place where I catastrophize the details of my life..
How does one live in the moment? First, as a general matter my THOUGHTS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS. In fact thoughts are like clouds that just float around and they do not represent truth. So what do I really feel on a given day? where is my truth? My surest barometer is to do a drawing while I am listening to a book so my mind does not interfere. I can not help myself if I do not know where I am. My latest drawing which will accompany this post is both full of beautiful colors and a bit scary, It is perfect for this moment.