Using the Serenity Prayer to Find Reality

This morning, I woke up and felt like I did not want to move.  My husband took the car, because I did not want to drive him to the mass transit center.  I also told him to turn in the tickets to the ballet tonight (I really like ballet).  An hour later, I roused myself, and all of a sudden, I wanted to be part of the day.  This means that I am the one that has take the bus to go to the ballet and to get my allergy shot.  So what happened there? I am not really sure.  If I use the term “me” as the Depressed/Anxious person, and “I” as that indefinable part that promotes reasoned and sound thoughts, I can then try to write about it.  The “I” understands that most of my thoughts are crap, but if I am so very involved in my “me” dialogue, that “I” can not surface.  So how can I tap into the “I”?  What is bothering me?

To start with, one of my relatives is visiting and is in the midst of a serious anxiety attack.  In reality, the changes in her life are very good, but that has not sunk in and is not calming her down yet.  She is too far into the vortex.  I am feeling that my genetic code for this disease is a family proposition.  I have spent years blaming my father for this.  After all, when you are feeling terrible, it is convenient to blame your mother or your father.

In any event, my “me” is in full swing.  So what magical steps can I take to deal with my mood?  First, it is very arrogant of me to assume I have any control over the genetic code.  So that brings me to the first part of the Serenity prayer for Depressives: “God (or Higher Power) give me the serenity to accept my own Depression/Anxiety disease.”  Next, I want to use my experience to help my relative, so then comes the second part of the Serenity prayer: “and have the courage to deal with my own feelings in a healthy way.”

As I write this, I am realizing that if I have no control over the genetic code.  My relative’s anxiety attack belongs to her and not to me.  That is the “I” at work.  How can I help someone when I feel so intertwined with her problem?  The main thing is that I have to realize that I cannot help her when I am so emotionally involved and a bit confused about who is really having the anxiety attack.  So do I walk away?  The answer is “yes” if my “me” is running the show.  But if I can get in touch with my “I,” then it is from that place that I can be helpful.

So now the third part of the Serenity pray comes into play. I will pray for the “wisdom to know the difference between my “me” state of mind and my “I” state of mind.”  Going to the ballet tonight is part of getting the “me” state of mind to quiet down and let the “I” state of mind shine through.