A Dialogue
“A Dialogue” by GT Dumas*
Recently my dr of 32 years retired and I have had a strong reaction to his departure. For the last week and a half I have been in a prolonged anxiety episode. My two most significant symptoms are a nervous stomach and an inability to sleep through the night. As is the way with anxiety I get physical symptoms before I can figure out what is bothering me. Naturally I knew his departure would trigger feelings of abandonment but curiously other issues have come up. This particular dr was with me from the beginning when my depression/anxiety disease emerged as a driving force in my life. He saw me through many difficult times and this blog is based on my experiences under his care and the ways he helped me cope. His departure after 32 years feels like a significant phase of the experience with the disease of Anxiety/Depression is now over. On the one hand I feel elated that I got through it but conversely I also feel like I have gone through enough pain and suffering and this experience with mental illness should now be over. I have also reflexively gone to my usual place of “my mental illness is all my fault”.
Since my disease is obviously still alive and well, I need to find a way to repurpose myself to carry on. First, I have to remind myself daily that however long this particular anxiety episode lasts, it will pass. Also, starting right now I need to create a new normal.
I have created a daily regime to get me through this anxiety episode and have create a hopefully workable plan to deal with ongoing anxiety and depression. After I wake up (which is early given my problems sleeping) I immediately turn on a body scan meditation to catch myself from starting the day with anxious thoughts. While I am doing the mediation I go through my body and tighten and relax it. I then go through a self compassion meditation to deal with the feeling that I am somehow responsible for my illness. During this meditation I imagine some of my worst moments and then walking into the doctor’s office. (Also, I try not to look at the news or my emails until late morning when I am less vulnerable.). Next, I do a scan of what triggers are at play that day. I imagine I am driving a bus of monsters (my triggers) to a place where it is comfortable. Finally I put on some music and dance for a few minutes to wake myself up. Then it is time to start the day. Every few days I write down what I have been doing. It is very easy for me to forget that I actually accomplish anything when I am so aware of my constant companions, the monster bus customers. Finally and most important I must constantly remind myself that the past is over and gone, the future is unknown and I am only able to know and deal with my present.