Anxiety Run Amok

“Anxiety Run Amok”, GTDumas*

My long term (32 years) Dr retired last month and while I expected some reaction I have been shocked at the extent and depth of my response.  It is like all my feeling and symptoms regarding the disease of depression/anxiety are front and center.  “Is it my fault?  In a crisis can I handle it?  Am I in a full alarm fire (anxiety triggers run amok) in anticipation of not being able to handle a real full alarm fire? Can I pull myself free.”  I could go on and on, but suffice it to say, all my buttons have been pushed because the Dr I relied on to pull me out of my worst moments has gone.

First, I am going through grief both for the loss of my dr. and the related fear that I will not be able to handle my illness.  As for grief of the loss of the dr…it will run the course that grief usually takes…denial, sadness, anger and then acceptance.  In the meantime I feel like I am in two parallel universes, first, I am experiencing a normal and healthy human response to loss and along side it, the fear my anxiety (fear) symptoms are imploding.

First step is recognition of what is happening.  I am basically dealing with grief and fear.  The grief is real but the fear is based on “false evidence appearing as real”.  For example, I have no evidence I will not be able to manage my anxiety.  After all, it is I who managed my illness for the last 32 years with suggests from my dr.  While I am in grief, I am fearful I can not handle my depression/ anxiety without this dr’s help, however, the truth is I can.   I understand this illness after years of dealing with it and know how to treat it.  Other avenues of help are also emerging…new dr, starting a meditation course that focuses on “mindfulness” and “self compassion”.

Finally, the constant is that everything changes and hard moments pass.  My task is to be patient and work hard to keep from falling into a depression/anxiety pit which could prove hard to move out of.