Anxiety Hurts

Persevere by G.Dumas

Anxiety hunts me down like a dog wherever I am in my life. Today, it feels like it is in full form. When strong anxious feelings present themselves, the first thing I to do is try to figure out what is causing them. After doing this self examination, I feel worse. I get mad at myself for doing anything that falls into my anxiety categories (which include travel, confrontation with or anger at other people. . . the list is endless). I start telling myself that I would feel better if only I had not done “X” but had done “Y.” Basically, I blame myself for my state of mind. Naturally, it is ALL MY FAULT! I like to think it is my fault, because then, I have a false sense of power over it.

STOP ALERT!!!!  I have a mental illness that plays games with my head, and frankly, I do not know what is making me anxious this morning.

Once I get to the STOP ALERT!!!! moment, I can begin to pull myself back from the edge. First, I do a body meditation. It is hard to concentrate, but I do get the message that “being in the moment would be the best thing I could do for my peace of mind.” However, being in the moment when your brain is racing is not easy. So I look outside and watch the wind move branches on a tree. Not quite enough to pull me out of the hole, but on the right track. I have to start small and work up to being more conscious of what is going on in the moment. Next, I start to blog about it. Writing brings clarity. My next and most important step is a self-compassion meditation. From that, I recall that the real truth is that I suffer from a disease that is not well understood and causes me a lot of mental pain. Some days, it hurts more than others. Compassion brings true clarity. Now, I am ready to be present. Anxiety and I will have to walk side by side today.

I saw a short movie on YouTube called “The Fly” by Robert Van Antwerp that captures all of the above.  Here is a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSsAEWkmBFU