Expecting a Different Result
“HOPE” by GT Dumas
Beyond the the illness Depression/Anxiety I also suffer from post traumatic syndrome which is triggered by serious medical events requiring hospitalization for myself or others close to me. Three days ago I was triggered and I started to feel terrible, post traumatic psychic pain is both physically and mentally draining. My anxiety makes it hard to focus thus it is impossible to mediate or be in the moment. I initially treated my deeply uncomfortable mental state as if it were a brand-new event that I have no idea how to work my way out of. In reality this is an event and reaction that has occurred to me many times in my life, including an episode just two months ago. It is a credit to how uncomfortable I feel that I forget this in the initial stages. The bottom line is that I just did not have any idea how to work my way out of it.
After I had been in the black mood for a day I start blaming myself. Then on day two I had to deal with the black mood plus the blame for the black mood. Now I really felt like I could not get a handle on what was happening. I decided that I needed medical help. Luckily I had a doctor appointment that day. First, my doctor pointed out to me that I was just having a typical reaction to my medical based post traumatic syndrome trigger. Since I could not mediate or do guided mediations by myself I asked him to guide me in a mediation. In the past, going deep within has brought me back to reality. So the guided mediation began and as I breathed I saw a vulture on a tree above my head and I was very scared. I felt like crying as I sat in a desertlike scene. Then the mediation moved to a beach scene and I was watching the waves go back and forth. As I sat on the beach I felt my Higher Power (Jesus for me) holding my hands. In a soothing voice he was telling me that he had come to earth not to make the vultures go away but to teach me to deal with them and to give me “HOPE”. After the mediation was over, I was able to acknowledge that I was experiencing the same episode I feel everytime my medical post traumatic syndrome is triggered. I then focused on the word HOPE the rest of the day and somehow the worst of the episode passed. I know from experience that I would not feel normal for a few more days but focusing on the word “HOPE” when I was having a bad moment has made it easier.
The lesson for next time is to remember that when I am triggered, I should expect a reaction and then have a lot of “SELF COMPASSION” that I have to continually go through these episodes.