Detox – Shame and Blame of Mental Illness part 2

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if one could control when and if one has a mental illness?   The sense of control over something that one dreads would be amazing.  The result, of course, would be that you wouldn’t have the illness.  But what if you have the illness, yet still think you have some control?

When this happens, I, like many of us, go negative.  “It is all my fault.”  This is a standard refrain since I was 6 years old, when I watched my mother drop a pitcher of milk and turned to my brother and asked which one of us had done it!  In the same way, when faced with any type of disturbing news about myself or others, it is not surprising that I go immediately to “it is my fault,” whether there is any truth to that statement or not.   The way this happens is very sinister.  I do not have a specific thought.  Rather, I get feelings that prompt me to actions, which, only after a period of time and close examination, reflect the belief that I am at fault.   A bell goes off somewhere in my body with some physical ailment or symptom that is tied to stress.

I bring this up now, because I have been realizing for the past few months that I blame myself for my cousin’s death by alcoholism.  Alcoholism is a family disease, and I spent my youth immersed in my father’s alcoholic behavior.  However, it is emotionally devastating to think that I am responsible for the death of someone I love.  Since this idea came into my head, I have been frozen, in shock.  While one can argue that you do not have to be depressed and anxious to play out this scenario, this type of reaction fits like a glove when I am depressed and anxious.

I presented the foregoing part of this post to my doctor and asked where I should go from here.  He told me, first, to meditate and use that process to note what I am thinking, and to consciously try to realize that it is just a thought and not something real.   While this is where I want to end up, the fact is that I am just too wound up to be able to get there right now.  Then, my doctor told me that if that first step was not working, I should move on to using my “cognitive circle.”  This is where I create a circle in my mind and divide it into three parts.  In the first space, I imagine what the problem is (for example, “I am responsible for the alcoholic death of my cousin”).  Next, I describe the type of person I am (e.g., a very bad person who doesn’t deserved to live).  In the final space, I think about what is true (I am very sad that someone I loved has died but I had nothing to do woth it).  However, I have to go through this process at least a dozen times a day, because it is so hard to knock out the strong, if false, belief, that I should be punished for his death.

I might add that for the last couple of weeks, I have been participating by phone every morning in an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting.  These meeting are helping me see why I think the way I do.  Once I let the truth gradually seep into my body, it becomes easier to watch my thoughts drift by and not hold on to them.