Doing Amazing Things and Then Crashing
In my last post (from two months ago, which I just reread), I was sailing through life having given my anger to a higher power. Well, at least that did help get me through the next thing I wanted to do with my art, which was to go away for two weeks to an art retreat center in Vermont.
For a month before I went away, I wanted to use anxiety as an excuse to justify not being able to manage this trip, and to use depression to just hide away. But as it is generally the case with anxiety, the closer I get to an event, the anxiety lessens. So off I went to Vermont.
However, when I made the plane reservation I got the dates mixed up. So I wound up arriving a day early and leaving a day late. This meant that I had to stay in Burlington, Vermont on my own for the first day I was there. Ultimately, it was okay to have a quiet day by myself. Then I jumped into the 2-week art residency with lots of energy. Where that energy came from is a mystery. I worked harder on my paintings than I had for a very long time. I had brought along two pieces that I had given up hope of ever finishing, because they were big, and it took a lot of physical strength to deal with them. I finished one and got far enough along on the second one that I could finish it at home.
As the two-week period was coming to a close, I started getting really tired even when I’d had enough sleep. But not wanting the merry-go-round to stop, when I got back to Burlington for my extra day there, I rented a car. I then proceeded to drive to a store over a hundred miles away. This is a store with a big internet business, and I knew exactly what I wanted. So why the mad dash when I was so tired? I got back to Burlington just in time to go to a jazz show in the evening. The next morning, I decided to go for a ride to a ski area, since the plane left at 2. However, to keep the excitement going, I got to the airport just in time to check my bag. I was very stressed, a little crazed even, so much so that I allowed myself to be bumped from the plane for a family that was going on a cruise.
The next 24 hours were a nightmare. First, the airline sent me to New Hampshire, and then, the next day, on to Boston. When I got on the plane in Boston, I was convinced the plane would crash, because I was in a bad karma moment. Well, the plane made it, but when I arrived back home, the bag containing all my art was missing. I was about as freaked out as I have ever gotten. The bag ultimately did arrive 24 hours later, but it has taken me about 5 days to come back to earth with any sense of comfort from my mishandling of my exit from this intensive working period.
Lessons learned: on the positive side, I did get myself there, and I was productive; but as for the leaving part, I was adrift. I did not use any of the tools I have to calm down. Instead, I sought out unnecessary stressful situations to keep the mania going and to prevent the natural “cool down” that should normally come after such a concentrated and intense effort. It was like I was in a trance. Then, when so many things went wrong at the airport, I fell into a catastrophic thinking mode as I traveled home. And more disturbingly, I started really believing the negative scenario that my fevered brain was making up.
Once I got home, I felt terrible. Should I just stay in bed or run a marathon? I avoided talking to friends. My son was home for a night, and I picked a fight. After the fight with my son, I realized that I needed to slowly get back into the rhythm of my life, and that everything would eventually get better. And, of course, the fact that I can write this post is evidence that “R&R” is working and was needed. Next time I go off on a comparable adventure, I will try to consciously plan for a calm down period and to avoid manic behavior.