Finding a Calling for the New Year

Being depressed is like a calling…it takes so much time to deal with it to keep yourself sane.  My Christmas wish is to go outside of the depression/anxiety and investigate whether I am called to do or be something new.  At a recent retreat the speaker said that ones calling is found between what breaks your heart and what you love.

My heart is broken by all the suffering and lost time that I and others have experienced because we have a mental illness or deadly addiction.  I went to the beach this weekend and watched the tide come in and then go out.  What a metaphor for human life.  I felt this so strongly that I  doubled over in pain as I thought of all the losses in my life this year.

In contrast I love new life, a life that has not yet touched by this pain.  In my life I have a grandchild.

So what is my calling?  Ironically through meditation I see very clearly my calling is to work with people like me through writing and doing art for this blog and participating in 12 steps programs.  By doing these activities I help myself by helping others.  Also, I want to be there for my grandchild.  I had no grandparents to run to when life got tough.  I want to be the grandmother that gives my grandchild unconditional love.

My disappointment is that my calling is not something more outside of my personal life.  I had that for many years and I might put my toe back in but it is not my calling.