How Depression/Anxiety Has a Life of Its Own
Rationally, I realize that I have a physical disease like heart disease. I can imagine that people with that disease have bad days. But they always can see the disease for what it is, bad health that may limit them but not define them. Their sense of self-hood is still alive.
Depression/Anxiety disease is different, because the disease attacks your self-hood. It is so easy to believe the Depression/Anxiety story line, because it feels so very real. It is a bit like having Alzheimer disease. You believe a different reality than the one that is actually before you. So what to do???
One option is to write down what you did everyday. This is not a diary where you talk about how you feel. This is a factual journal. For example, “I went to work, had tacos for lunch, went to a movie, etc., etc.” When I am having a bad day, and I am thinking, “what is the point of going on,” RED LIGHT ALERT! I have written down instructions for what to do when such thoughts arise. First, I have to recognize that it is a bad day and not a new reality. Then, I go to the journal and look at the activities I have been up to in the past week.
Even though it is the last thing I want to do, I make a daily schedule of my activities. I try to keep busy and follow it, but I know I won’t be perfect. I am doing well if I buy into this idea at whatever level. So then I move forward. If I think that this effort would last for 12 hours, I could manage to do it. It is the fear that it will last forever that is so scary. This is really nothing more than the old and well-established AA concept of one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time. These are all tools to help one stay in the present, feel the pain and then move on.
Yesterday was a bad day. I knew it when I woke up. I felt fine the day before, so what happened? I do not know. But I have a disease that no one really understands, and I have to accept that the disease will act up on a regular basis, and I will not understand on a rational level what happened or is happening. That’s when RED ALERT kicks in. So yesterday, I wrote out a schedule and decided that I had time in my work schedule (I work for myself at home) to go to a movie. I had not been to one in awhile. I followed my written schedule in the morning and then went to see “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” in the afternoon. It was nowhere as good as the PBS episodes with Alex Guinness, so I was disappointed. But I went right to the movie store and got the version I liked and started to watch it when I got home.
My husband had been out-of-town. He called and wanted me to come pick him up at the airport about 30 minutes away. At first, I said take a cab, but then he offered to take me out for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Reluctantly I agreed. The dinner was great, and I had to admit I was glad I went out. Then, I wrote the facts of the day in my diary. Today I am better, but I have no clue why. It is a day-to-day thing.