How to Help a Friend in Need...

An old dear friend has had a relapse of his prostate cancer this fall, and there are no further treatments.  So he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Initially, I spoke to him on the phone and said I would come to his job, so we could have a quiet lunch and talk about what it feels like to be in his situation.  But I never did it.  The reason I offered to see him was that I have been in the same situation . . . around skin cancer, melanoma, etc.  In fact, it was this diagnosis that pushed me into my 25-year-long battle with Depression/Anxiety.  I was told in 1985 that I was going to die soon.  The good news is that I survived.  The bad news is that I did not know I was going to survive, and for about 15 years, I kept waiting for something to happen, hence the Depression/Anxiety.  For reasons that not even the doctors understand, the cancer went into remission.  The Depression/Anxiety has chosen to hang on.

So back to my friend.  I am going to see him on Thanksgiving, and I wonder why I have not called him for our one-on-one.  First, I have been going through a bad patch with my Depression/Anxiety, and I am reluctant to get involved in anything that would be upsetting.  Second, while I can commiserate with him about how hard it is to wait around to find out which day you are going to die on, the problem is that I did not die.  I know that my story is used by my doctors with melanoma patients as a ray of hope.  I will undoubtedly do the same with him.  “I survived against the odds, so will you.”  But I will also have to tell him the awful truth that being so violently anxious about how long I was going to remain on earth required me to live hour-by-hour for years.  Now I should add that I am a much deeper and richer person for this experience.  I think that is why I am able to portray the human heart in my art. So, some good has come from it all.

But moving towards the seemingly unstoppable death experience is really scary.  In 1985, I got very close to death and was surprised how really dreadful it was to have pain and see my body fall apart.  I was miraculously pulled back from the brink. But it was a haunting experience.

As I write this, I realize that there is a big difference between then and now, which I know he will appreciate.  I was young and only 31, and now, we are both in our 60’s.  Our children are grown, and we have had interesting lives so far.  I guess I want to say that plus 60 is when people start getting sick and dying in the natural course of things . . . it will happen to us all.  So it is not such a big deal.  Easy to say but hard to go through.

I know that on Thanksgiving I will screw up my courage after having several pieces of chocolate with some red wine and take him to a quiet corner and tell him I am available to listen.  He knows I am one of the few people who understand what he is going through.  I want to be his listener as he goes through it.  25 years ago my mother was my listener, and I am so grateful she had the courage to hear me out.  I want to return the favor.  Maybe the Depression/Anxiety experience has opened up my heart to be available for this moment.  I hope so.