Is it Depression or Shyness?
I am the type of person that appears cheerful and talkative in a social situation once I am in it. The hard part is getting there. I always have high hopes and plan things in advance but when it is time to actually interact with people who are not part of my most intimate circle I feel ashamed of myself, scared and really uncomfortable. Once the event starts I go into my act of gracious personality. When it is over I think what was I doing? I should just sit in a room by myself. These are a lot of confusing feelings to have every week as I plan my schedule. You then throw in doctor appointments and I feel crazy.
The first thing I try to remember is that my depression is the thing that is making me feel bad. What is actually happening is quite another thing. The truth is that I am shy. So not feeling comfortable in social situations with strangers is normal. The part that is not normal is being ashamed and taking the worse possible view of the situation.
The truth is that it is healthier for me to engage with people but at a level that feels comfortable. But my problem always is how do I figure out what is comfortable without my negative views of myself via depression getting in the way. I wish I had a chart that set out what is okay to do but what is not okay. Then my will would not have to exert much effort. But in real life, decisions have to be made. My only tactic is to go back to the cognitive circle. Name the event, such as going to a party. What do I feel about myself and then write some sentences. The sentences usually go something like “you are an idiot” etc. Next, write down what is true about my going to the party. For example, my presence is requested so the other people think I am ok. After the event I can say the same thing. As I write this, I realize how bad I felt about going into a group meeting yesterday. Nothing happened to upset me. But as I do the circle right now I am realizing that the people I was meeting with were really happy to see me and were very kind.
Recently, I joined a 12 step group regarding debt issues ( see last post) and I attend by telephone. Its perfect, I get to hear what people say and I can even talk but I do not need to see them. That is a more comfortable format for a person like me.