Taking Your Depression Pulse

One of the things that I find the most helpful is to take a reading of my depression/anxiety by using a scale of one through ten.  One means that I am catatonic, and ten means that I am normal.  However, since I have not gone to one or ten in recent history, I am not really sure what either feels like.  During a good period, I am a six or seven, and in bad times, I am a three or four.  Taking my pulse on a daily basis keeps me honest about why I am acting in a certain way.

For example, if I am not doing so well, I have developed certain coping skills that are less than helpful.  I may still act out, but at least I can mitigate the damage, because I know is what is happening.  The hardest place to be is in the 5 zone.  Not bad enough to call an “all points alert,” but not good enough to feel like times are good.  The confusing part is that sometimes I think I feel better than I really am (I think I am a six or seven, but I’m really a four or a five).  I have spent so much of my life acting to other people like things are great (one therapist took six months before he actually realized how depressed I was, because I acted so upbeat), I even fool myself with my happy act.

One thing I do to take my pulse is to paint or draw a picture.  I just let my hand make the images it wants on the drawing paper, and I try not to interpret it until I am almost done.  I usually have some music, TV or book on tape on to distract my thinking mind.  I can get really absorbed in what my hands are doing.  Then, as all the surfaces are covered with colors, I take a look at what I made.  The pictures never lie.  Generally, the honesty in the pictures makes it clear that I am not doing as well as I would like to be doing or think I am doing.  This reality check is important, because I need to use tools to combat my depression/anxiety, and I will not use them (for example, physical exercise) if I think I am doing ok.