The Line between Life and Death
Life and Death are relative terms. Life/death can be about physical or mental death.
In my case they are intricately intertwined. I was at the edge of death for about 15 days, 30 years ago…my organs were about to fail when a surgeon stepped in and did an emergency surgery. The 15 day life/death experience still overshadows my life, 30 years later. My depression/and severe anxiety began after that experience, and I have never been able to turn the good mental health light back on.
In fact, the experience scared me so much that my body shook for 12 months. My teeth were always chattering. I would test my level of fear by seeing how hard my teeth chattered. A profound acceptance through humility is what helped me live through the first years. If depression is about the past and anxiety the future, this event was cannon fodder to my depression/anxiety disease.
The fear of life/death has recently returned in the form of concern for a granddaughter. I saw her yesterday in her hospital bed, very uncomfortable and hooked up to many tubes. I was reminded of how it felt in my own hospital room some 30 years ago. What lessons did I learn from my own experience that I can impart to this little girl?
The most significant was humility. When I was hanging out on the line between life and death, I had no control. Accepting the lack of control led to the reality that I was just going to have to accept what is going to happen..no questions asked. This is what I call humility. Humility lasted awhile but as life moved on, my ego jumped back into place and everyday concerns took over. But I never forgot how comforted I was by it.
This week I found it again. Since my granddaughter’s health crisis began ten weeks ago, I have been in a state of high anxiety. Everyday wanting a full health report and a prognosis. Since the daily reports are now “she is having a good day or a bad day” and no one is sure of the prognosis, I had been wondering how I could possibly live through the anxiety and still be able to help my family. Last week I exploded with frustration and anger. After I calmed down, it took me a few days, I realized that I would not be able to live through the next few months without finding humility which would lead to acceptance. And then I magically found it. It feels like an old friend that has come to comfort me and help me understand what is happening. I expect it was always there just waiting for me to look for it.