Imagined Reality

Depression/anxiety often opens the door to an imagined reality. Externally I look and talk like a rational person living in the present but underneath I am often somewhere else, anxious about the future and depressed about the past. The depression/anxiety tapes are running in my head and are internalized in my body.  In my case it takes a physical form by waking up every day at 4:30 AM.  I go to sleep easily but wake up early.  My Dr says it is a symptom of depression/anxiety.

When I wake up so early I usually stay in bed to see if I can fall back to sleep.  Unfortunately that doesn’t happen often.  Instead I start to ruminate…anxieties about the future and fears of the past.  Present worries are the culprit.  My newly born granddaughter (2015) has since her birth in July been in either the cardiac ICU or the infant ICU.  Last week after three months she got her ventilator tube taken out and can breath on her own.  Also, I can finally see her face.  When I held her for the first time this week, I was calmed to think she might actually make it out of the hospital.  However, I still feel in shock.  In the 102 days of her life she has had at least 4 death opportunities.   Even today as I write this she is lying in a crib at the Infant ICU unit with nurses coming in and out all day and night.  It is not a comforting atmosphere.

To avoid thinking about her situation, I ruminate negatively about money, my own health, etc.  As usual most of these thought are forgotten as the sun rises.  How do I calm myself?  Meditation is hard when I am so riled up.  For now I continue my three month plan to block my thoughts, listening to audio books and painting by day and videos by night.  When I paint my mind is fully occupied.  Right now I need to cultivate patience.  Time will bring things into balance.