Being Alone

Two weeks ago, I almost lost my husband to a heart attack.  My initial plan if he had died was to go to a monastery for a year and be silent.  However, monasteries do not take in people who want to hide from their pain, at least not for a whole year.  Maybe they would let you stay a week or two, but I would still have to emerge.

When he did not die, but instead had a triple bypass surgery, I realized how vulnerable I was to the loss of a key part of my support system.  I realized that I was clinging to him and to his healthy energy, and that I was not creating my own healthy space.  So now I am exploring how to do that.  I know what to do; I have always known what to do.  The problem is getting myself to do it.  First of all, I think that I need to take one baby step at a time, and to ease into my independence.  But Independence is a scary word.