Death is Confusing

I just saw someone I love take his last breath and die.  I feel confused about how to feel and view what happened.

First, I made a rock statue on the beach to note his passing.  This was my initial step to viewing this event as real.  As a depressed person it so very easy to go immediately to my most negative place.

There are always five roads to follow, most negative, less negative, sort of negative, reality lite, reality.  Fully faced reality is coming to terms with what is actually happening.  I am trying to go down the reality road.  I have taken a few steps on the reality road and it is a struggle to not run away.

My tools for staying there are: stay in the moment, using meditation as an aid in this process; seek help to discuss my feelings about what happened; write down the steps I need to take each day to keep myself on track.  My grief is physically intense as well as emotionally wearing.  I need to both intellectually and in my gut reaction respect how devastating this event is and that is not a one shot deal but with be time ongoing for a long time.