Death’s Aftermath
Recently two people close to me died suddenly. Given my depression/anxiety mental state I am not sure how to process these sad events. There is the anxiety response, if people are dying, I can’t wait anxiously to see if I am the next one, I will take matters into my own hands. Then Depression has its say, you are next. I realize neither of these responses are true so maybe I am taking things too off course. However, I hate being filled with so many conflicting emotions. It is very physically uncomfortable.
The truth is that the dying is not happening to me…I should live in my own life. That is easy to say but what about all the bad memories I have on a daily basis of when I and my granddaughter almost died, my parents death, getting radiation and chemotherapy (cancer caused one of the deaths), how it felt to hold people’s hands as they take their last breath. As these images pop into my thought pattern unannounced, I procasinate, watch TV, drink wine and generally try to suppress the memories. But they reappear anew each morning. Finally (after suffering for four months) I have decided to be more constructive, I tried practicing a self compassion mediation which walked me through the scary moments from my past. This softened the raw feelings. Then I imagined I am putting these frightening memories in my monster bus along with the day to day anxiety/depression monsters I live with and I try to drive. If I am crying and wailing inside it is hard to drive but if I can calm down, I am able to drive to my next destination…the reality of the current moment. Just writing this piece, makes me realize how far away I have been from my true “moment by moment reality”. I have spent these last few months in my mixed up mental state just glimpsing reality. Self compassion is my road home. I relive the scary moments and tell myself in a loving way how hard it was to go through them. The next time I think of a scary event it’s power over me has lessened. I am now trying to do this every morning and gradually a fog is lifting. I am still here and the world beckons.