Imaginary Thinking
“Random” by GTDumas
When one is three you use imaginary thinking to understand the world. If something bad happens a three year old often thinks it their fault. For them it is a way to have some control over the world. As we age when bad things happen we may still have the thought that bad things are our fault as a way to make things less random. But as adults we quickly talk ourselves out of it. But if you are depressed/anxious it is not always so easy.
A family member has a serious illness and it is totally random. Random experiences are so frightening because you did nothing to make the random experience happen. These experiences which can be judged as bad, getting a sickness that is not cureable or inexplicably having the good fortune to survive an illness when you are told that the illness will kill you. Whatever the outcome we would feel more comfortable if things fit into a logical box. I got sick because…I survived because….
While surviving is generally a good thing, it is also very stressful not to understand what happened. For example, soldiers who survive a war where they faced many dying opportunities often feel guilty that they survived when other soldiers did not make it. In this case people suffer from post traumatic syndrome (PTSD). Having such a reaction seems ungrateful but randomness is highly disconcerting.
My granddaughter’s case which is happening in real time…she was born with a rare vein disconnect between her heart and lung, after two operations that reconnected the veins she still did not get well. Next, it appeared she has another deadly disease, pulmonary hypertension. To deal with that she was given a drug that is not usually given to infants. It appears to be working. She is starting to look like a normal 4 month old baby. While the outcome in her case is still pending, she is going home in two weeks. But it does not end there, My son and her father, broke his right ankle on Thanksgiving when he was out jogging. Because of the utter chaos this is causing (they also have an active three year old) I had to cancel my trip to Paris to participate in the historic Climate Conference to help out. My husband is still going.
So what is my point. Difficult events are terrible to deal with but what really gets to me, is the randomness. What is the cure for experiencing random events…I really do not know, other then taking the next step and praying to accept whatever happens, whether good or bad, each new day or in some cases each new hour. When that is too hard, I listen to Scandinavian mystery writers on Audible so my devilish mind is always busy.