It Descends

“It Descends” by GTDumas

Saturday I was sitting in a restaurant having a delicious hamburger and out of the blue the “noonday demon” descended.  It came on so fast it was frightening.  One moment I cared and the next I felt hostile.  Confused, I decided to deal with it by continuing with my errands in hopes that it would go away.  In reality, I wanted to go home and hide under the covers.  Gradually over the weekend the worst of the depressive feelings did go away.  “Why did this happen”?   It occurred to me I had been in a low grade  depressive emotional holding pattern for a few months, depression/anxiety is a crafty devil that can sneak up on you.  I was doing nothing to combat this negative mood beyond medication.  Medication usually keeps me sane enough to be able to recognize my disease and take actions to keep my demons at bay.  For example, no blog writing since February, no art, little exercise and lots of sugar.  What triggered this malaise?  The obvious answer is that I have started spending more time with my sick granddaughter in the hospital to lend her emotional support.  By doing this, I have built a warm relationship with her.  However, hanging out in a hospital is hard.  I have spent a lot of time in hospitals because of my own serious health problems and going into any hospital sets off a phobic anxiety reaction.  When my phobic anxiety is triggered I shut down to protect myself.  After identifying the problem I decided to put a game plan together to work with the worst of the anxiety.  It is my experience that once my phobic anxiety is triggered, it does not go away until the trigger is gone.   Since I did not want to stop visiting my granddaughter in the hospital because the visits are important to both of us.  I need to become hyper vigilant of my state of mind.  To gain this clarity I have to first start taking care of myself.  This included alone time (which involves meditation), 20 minutes of exercise, and finally getting back to writing and doing art.   With my new found clarity, I can become aware of how my very clever disease (Depression/Anxiety) is invading my thoughts.  Repeating the mantras “thoughts are not real”, “thoughts are ever changing” and “my thoughts are not my friends” is helpful.  This is not a perfect solution but hopefully a workable one.  Love can be an antidote for hopelessness.