Life between Medications
It is the middle of the night in Amsterdam, where I am visiting my family. I am still away on a month-long trip, even though I have been through hell over these last three months.
First, as I said in my last post, in order to get rid of some unpleasant but not serious side effects, I decided to go off my anti-depression drug, Nortriptyline, even though it was working, and to go on Viibryd. Everything was fine as I started to make the switch. Initially, the new drug did eliminate the side effects of Nortriptyline, which was great, but then its own side effects came roaring forward. I did some research on-line, and it turns out that only 5 percent of users get these side effects, which are primarily insomnia, body ache and brain zaps. Also, when I started taking this new drug, it felt like I was on chemo therapy for about two weeks at the height of the transition. This was highly uncomfortable, but like a trooper, I stayed on the drug for 4 weeks hoping the side effects would go away.
In the middle of this period, I was scheduled to go on a month-long trip to Europe. I had initially thought that I would be through this drug transition by the time the trip rolled around. So, for the first few days of the trip, I stayed on the drug full strength. However, one night after only a few hours of sleep, I decided this was just not working and decided to slowly go off of Viibryd. Not sleeping was getting to me, but these drugs are so powerful that it took me three weeks to get off it.
But it does not end there. I am still getting the body ache and having problems sleeping. I feel like the drug does not want to leave my body. So now I am off my primary anti-depressant. What to do? I am in a foreign country so I can not run to my doctor and scream, help me. I decided to take advantage of this drug-free and doctor free-moment to see if I could manage by relying on all the non-drug techniques I’d been taught — meditation, prayer and cognitive therapy (questioning myself three times a day if I am getting into a negative thought pattern . . . it can sneak up on you).
I also realized that I have to address in a real way my money mania. I have to start really committing to Debtors Anonymous. This is where my mania shows its face most clearly. I need a structured program to face it and to take concrete steps to control it. I would not be taking these steps if I had not just been shown that my mania was alive and well: buying a rug and jewelry on this trip that I really cannot afford and do not need with a credit card.
Update: I am now home and recovering from jet lag and a cold. My next step is to see if I can function well using non-drug depression/anxiety techniques, but I am going to do this under a doctor’s care. It is too hard to stay on track alone. In the end, my actions will speak louder than my words.