Medication – Good or Evil

I have been off anti-depressants and strong anxiety medication for almost 4 weeks.  It was not my plan to go off drugs, but I was changing medications and had horrible side effects from a new medication the doctor had prescribed.  The problem developed, because I was traveling for over 6 weeks and was away from my doctor when I went off the new medication due to the side effects.

I HAVE BEEN ON MEDS FOR SO LONG THAT I WAS A BIT EXCITED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.  I hoped I could handle it.  I was planning to meditate and do all the things I have been taught to do to chase away bad thoughts.  However, four weeks into this experiment, I am so anxious and cannot sleep well.  I even feel lousy when I do get a good night’s sleep.  I can hardly stand any tension.  I cannot meditate or even think straight.

We just had friends here for a few days, and I thought I would go crazy.  I treated the tension by keeping very busy and taking tranquilizers.  But when I got home from showing my friends the sights of our city, I just wanted to sleep and not talk to them.  I was even really rude to them, something I never am with friends.  I was going crazy.

Also last week, I spent a lot of money in a manic fashion.  I bought books in a city I do not live in and made my suitcases really heavy even though I have a bad back, when the books are available for the same price down the street from where I live.

Last night, I woke up at 1am and started to get the classic symptoms that characterize my depression: the desire to hide in a small space, feeling anger at my son even though he has not done anything to deserve it and experiencing a general sense that am a worthless person and do not deserve to live.

So I guess I am not doing so well without medication either on the anxiety or depression side of the fence.  Until last night, I had just been very, very anxious.  The depression symptoms are new but undoubtedly are now a continuing feature of my day.

I’ll be seeing the doctor today and do not know what we will decide to do.  Going on like this is not an option.  I have to stabilize my life.  I am scheduled to go out of town to see family in August and then to go on a two-week business trip in September.  However, working is not possible when I am in this state of mind.  Luckily, I am self employed, but even that doesn’t mean that I can just vegetate for the next few months to see if I get better.  The depression attack last night really scared me.  If I do go back to my old anti-depression medication, I am going to feel like changing to anything different (with less side effects) is not worth it.  Frankly, I am scared of trying anything new, because of my terrible experience with that new medication.  On the other hand, this is a window to be experimental.  I really don’t know what I’ll ultimately decide to do.