Manic to Forstall Depression/Anxiety
December/January are dangerous months for me. It is an iconic period that interweaves wonderful and happy moments with ones that generated great fear and sadness. This year I really over did it. Letters, cards, food, parties, a perfectly decorated Christmas tree, lots of decoration/candles, outdoor solar lights and presents, many of them from myself to myself. Also, a manic desire to fix everything left undone over the last number of years, such as impulsively getting a somewhat needed new car, having all broken things in the house fixed, going to a seamstress to have clothes that no longer fit repaired or redesigned and having all my broken jewelry and watches repaired. Also, I can not forget the siren call of Ebay and Amazon Prime which keeps luring me into a bottomless pit of selling things I know longer need and then buying things I do not need. I am at this point a bit manic, and I can’t put the brakes on.
I realize that this year’s serious illness of my grandchild has tested my ability to live with great stress without going overboard. By and large I did remarkably well for 5 months but as the year ends and a new ones begins I seem to be slipping. I realize I have been terrified for the last six months (because of the stress) that I was going to go into a depression. Whenever I start feeling anxious and depressed that I might get depressed, I use manic behavior to keep the juices going. In December and January this behavior has gotten intense.
How do I stop acting out my anxiety and get into a calmer state? The first thing is identifying the problem. I know I have a pattern of trying to out run episodes of serious depression/anxiety by acting in a manic way. Given that the pattern has been repeated again and again, I must look to the past to find my way out of this crazy maze. Ok, mindfulness is still the answer. Hard to do but I will try it for five minutes and see where that gets me. Ok, my 5 minutes is starting. Report: Not totally successful. Next, put on an audio book to take up all the space in my mind to minimize troublesome thoughts and actions. Report: Works rather well and I am learning something at the same time. Not a longterm solution but good in a pinch.