Merging
Right now I am not doing well. So it is back to the basics.
If I think of depression as an illness, I can compare it to other long term illnesses that have continual physical pain. However, my pain is different because it affects both my mind and emotions. If your foot hurts, it is clear that you need to stay off it while it is painful. In contrast, mental pain (another way to describe depression/anxiety) is crafty and rather sophisticated in the many ways it can mix one up. Recently I have been feeling lost, confused and at the same time out of control. I do normal things, and it disturbs me. So what is up? I know I am having a strong feeling about the tough time a child, I am closely with, is going through. However, before this feeling/emotion can hits the surface of my consciousness as normal sadness, it goes through the depression/anxiety vortex. When it comes out, it is a much more complex feeling/emotion then when it when in. Hopelessness has been added.
Understanding that depression works this way…I try to rate myself. One being great and ten is the worst. My realistic goal is to be in the 5-6 range. However, when I start thinking as I described above, I am starting to creep towards 8 or above. It is time to get serious and seek professional help. So off to the doctor I go.
Talking to another person helps me untangle the mess created by putting the normal emotional reaction into the depression/anxiety vortex. After talking it over and thinking about it, I realized that what is happening to my close child reminds me of the bad things that have happened to me as a child. Also, given that my lifelong pattern is to merge with people when I see them suffering, I am mixing my own sadness about my own memories and emotional pain with what she is going through.
When I separate my issues from her’s, what is going on for her is hard but solvable. Unfortunately my own problems that started as a young child are always with me in one form or the other.
Realistic steps are to stop meddling in my friend”s life and deal with my own pain.
They are separate matters.
Next chore, how do I get out of this state of mind. Writing about my “merging” inclination is helping me see that things are not so bad for this child. Hyper vigilance is not necessary.