Megan’s Beautiful Heart

I have a 20 day old granddaughter lying in an Intensive Care Unit just waiting…to be saved or fade away as her heart fails. Obviously I would prefer the saved option but in either case she is a little person who deserves her due. I don’t know any other way to communicate to her but by art.  Because of her condition, our connection will have to be on the spiritual level.  It has taken abit of fancy foot dancing to get to this place.

I have been worried about how to deal with this terrible turn of events for beautiful Megan.  In my last post I talked about how my addictions to people, spending money and sugar have been activated as a precursor to falling into a deeper depression.  Those addictions are still in play and the falling part is starting to happen.  Before I am immobilized in despair and a desire to hide, I decided to try to work with my demons.

First, I have to identify them…24/7 anxiety (this is not a book I can read the last page of to see how it ends).  Also, I am unclear of my role, right now I am suppose to wait each day for instructions about how to help.

I get a medical update call each morning which ends “we don’t need any help today”?

Being left will nothing concrete to do…my demons appear.  Am I too crazy to help and offer comfort?  Am I more of a disruption then a help?  Thinking this way leads to negativity towards myself and resentment that I am being rejected.   It is time to do the cognitive circle.  Problem:  anxiety over a sick child, reaction: life is not worth it if I have to be this anxious.  Life is horrible because worthless people like me are in it.  Sentences: I am a worthless piece of shit,  life is not worth living. I am not in capable of helping.

Now the truth…yes, I am anxious but who wouldn’t be when every day there are new often conflicting doctor reports. I can be thankful I am not needed, it is no fun being at a hospital.  Whether they ask for help Involves their issues and is not a reflection on me.  My behavior so far has been respectful of their feelings.   My only part in this drama, is to be available to help.  With the freedom of not being called on, I can enjoy the summer. I also have time to work on paintings to be included in my Megan series. “Megan’s Beautiful Heart” being the first work of art. Whether she lives or dies, this is my gift to her.   I need to be thankful I am able to use my art to work out both what is happening to beautiful Megan and to help myself confront my deep sadness.