PDSD

“PDSD” by G.Dumas

My granddaughter was given another operation on August 20th to connect her heart and lungs together.  It is amazing that a baby whose anatomy was so disconnected has managed to stay alive  (with the help of aggressive medical intervention) until another operation could be done.  She is now resting in a drugged state with a tubes in all the right places to keep her alive.  However, gradually the tubes will go away and hopefully she will be able to breath on her own and go home to be a normal baby.

So what is happening to Grandma after she heard this good news.  I am heading into a health related Post Traumatic Anxiety Attack.  My most basic fears are about my own precarious health disease (cancer) which has been in remission for many years.  I have started day dreaming about going into chemotherapy.  Negative thoughts are winning the day.

It is time for me to do the reality circle.  TRIGGERING EVENT:  Health Crisis in loved one.  FEELINGS ABOUT IT;  “I am useless, unstable, a bad mother, panic stricken and unable to do anything”.  SENTENCES ABOUT FEELINGS;  “I am useless because I am empty.  I am a bad mother because I am so self absorbed,   I am unable to help because I am panic stricken”.  REALITY;  I told my kids that I am available 24/7 to help and take calls.  I have been to the hospital and comforted the baby, I have taken care my other two year old granddaughter, I have taken calls from my son and let him talk about his fears, and I have painted 3 pictures.

Given this reality, I am going to start this day anew.  First, mediate, get some exercise and do something useful and fun.  Then a bow to reality, give myself a half hour to fall apart this evening…but do not let my negative feelings dominant my day.