Phobias are Dangerous

“Glass House in the Sea” by G. Dumas

I suffer from both Depression and Anxiety.  Medication mostly takes care of the depression but medication just takes the edge off my anxiety.  In my case my phobias (which are intractable) are directly connected to anxiety.  If a phobia button is pushed my fight or flight hyper-anxiety goes into action. The thing about phobias is that while the event that started the phobia was very serious, subsequent events that are not as serious bring the phobia front and center.  This is similar to a post traumatic syndrome reaction.  All these things seem to be connected.

In any case what brings this to mind is that one of my most fierce phobias is starting to bear its ugly head, the surgical phobia.  (I touch on this topic in an earlier post below.)  Without going into my medical history, I have two or three small and sometimes big operations a year to deal with tumors most of which are benign.  However, once in awhile they are not and life gets medically more complicated.  I have been extremely lucky and all problems have been handled.  I think the world thinks I should be grateful and treasure each day.  However, my reaction has been to develop a phobia that gets triggered whenever I have to deal with both a surgery and much worst, waiting for the pathology report.

What is so difficult is that my phobia can not tell whether the event is minor or serious.  So in either case I become terrified.  Pre surgery the anxiety/terror builds and then right after the surgery, I relax for a few days, exhausted from the adrenaline rush.

But the worst is yet to come, the pathology report.  I generally insist on getting the results as soon as the report is available.  I never wait for a doctor’s appointment.   However, getting the pathology report is never easy.  If I don’t get news within the time period that I think is reasonable, a week, I just loose it.  This is where it becomes dangerous.  I am in so much psychic pain, that it becomes unbearable.   I am desperate to be relieved of the pain…suicidal thoughts becomes an option. When I contemplate suicide it calms me down…that is perhaps the scariest part of this whole phobia drama.   So far the pathology reports have come in just in time to mitigate my suicidal thoughts.  As soon as I know the results, the panic subsides.  However, I am exhausted from all the drama for at least 10 days.

I am discussing this particular phobia because tomorrow I am going in to the hospital for a relatively minor surgery where they will take out what is probably a fatty benign tumor.  I have had two fine needle biopsies of this tumor in the past and in both cases it was reported to be a fatty tumor.  So this surgery should be routine.  Unfortunately, for me routine surgeries still activate my medical phobia and I go through my phobia dance.

I have thought alot about how to protect myself from the potential consequences of this very dangerous phobia.  Since getting the results of the pathology report is the most dangerous time for me, I have others advocate for me.  I am so freaked out when it’s time to hear the results, I can not even call the doctor.  A very kind member of my family takes over that chore.  My medical advocate has learned over the years to be very aggressive but the reality is that doctors are hard to get hold of and only a doctor can okay the release of the information in the report.

My latest idea is to have the pathology report, which will be online, sent to both my psychiatrist and my general practitioner.  They both understand my phobia and how I suffer from it.  They actually want to help me deal with it.  I feel comfortable with both of them in contrast to the surgeon.  They will get the results for me as soon as they are available.  My other doctor can then take her own sweet time to call me.

When it is over, I will feel grateful!!!