Shame/Guilt before Trauma
I am in a traumatic situation. I have a sick newborn granddaughter who has been in the ICU for 4 months. Not surprising, I have problems sleeping and felt jitteriness all day. Sitting and reading a book is hard. Classic Traumatic symptoms.
Trauma comes in two forms…anticipated trauma and surprise trauma. Anticipated trauma is a bit like pre-grieving. The surprise factor is not present but all the rest is alive and well. However, surprise trauma has two parts, the surprise of the traumatic event and the effect of the traumatic event. This type of trauma gives one two things to overcome, shock and mental disarray. That is the place I find myself…I am just facing that the baby has been so sick, near death 4 times.
In the past when I start to face painful things, shame and guilt are the netting that covers my feelings. This pattern is repeating itself. I know my shame and guilt is illogical in this situation. However, moving pass shock I feel enveloped in shame and guilt, in both its physical and mental forms. As I write this my body radiates shame and guilt. Mentally, I have gone black.
At its core irrational shame and guilt is about control. In this case I am merging with my granddaughter and taking on her pain. Next, shame and guilt come to the conclusion that it is “my fault”. If it is “my fault” I could have stopped the painful event if I had only handled it right. The bad event is thus, not random. While such a thought regarding my granddaughter’s health crisis, is ridiculous on a logical level, it is nevertheless how I feel.
Shame and guilt were embedded in my DNA as a child. It has always been the place I go when I can not face painful things. Shame/guilt feels a familiar and safe place compared with accepting that I am powerless over random painful events occurring to myself or my family.
My job now is to move beyond the shame and guilt. Unfortunately, that is easier said then done. I am taking my first step by identifying what is going on.
Next, I have to deal with the fact that my mind is telling me everything is hopeless. My inner voice says I should just cocoon and not deal with life. As I write this I am remembering that I have a book where I have written down instructions about how to deal with a depressive state triggered by shame. Below are my instructions to move pass this dreadful moment.
Write up a schedule of activities for the day. The plan should be simple and doable because that is all I can handle.
The Plan – Get out of bed and dressed, then start the day. Wash face, take medicine, stretch. Next, have breakfast and take a walk. After that, chose one activity, laundry, painting etc. Keep it simple. Each successive day add on more easy things but also add a hard thing…dealing with people, strenuous exercise, etc. This process is all about climbing out of the rabbit hole into the light of reality even if reality is painful.